Hugo's Story by Hugo Longerarmer
From the upcoming best-seller

I still remember that day years ago as if it were yesterday. My cousin Mr. Shifferstein and I were sitting on the toy store shelf, waiting to be adopted, when a small dark-haired boy and his mother walked by. The child was headed towards a display of toy guitars when his eyes wandered towards us. "Gimme!" he shrieked to his mother, who then picked me off the shelf. She began to hand me to her screaming son.
"NOOOOOOO!" wailed the child, "I want the other one!" He then poked me in the eye with his stubby finger and flung me out the toy store window!

Half-blind, I miraculously managed to grab the window sill. I hung there for weeks, gravity slowly misshaping my arms, hoping that my cousin would send for help. But he said nothing.

Eventually, a gang of teen-age hooligans rescued me and initiated me into their life of mischief. At night, I would engage in hijinks and shenanigans. During the day, I would continue my search for that child and my lily-livered cousin. With the help of some nefarious ne'er-do-wells (see pictures below), the Internet and some good old-fashioned simian sense, I finally located both my cousin and the boy, now a full-grown man.

And his name is CURTIS EARTH!

Now that I've found you, Curtis, you can lay awake at night knowing that my revenge will be slow and sweet!

Boo HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!